The Darkness

Before I began suffering with depression I never understood it really,  if I'm honest I don't understand it now.
I have heard people talk about it,  how it's lonely and dark but that's about it.

Over the years I've lost a few people close to me,  I've had things happen to me but I've plodded along and got on with my life,  instead of dealing with whatever happend each time.

Then last year BOOM it all hit me all at once after I seen something I didn't want to.
Weeks went by faster than anything,  everything started falling apart,  crumbling in front of me...
I couldn't do anything about it,  I didn't know how to,  didn't no what to do,  each passing day a blur,  getting worse and worse..
I didn't smile,  I didn't laugh,  I forgot what happiness was.
My days were dark,  darker than dark.

Each morning I'd get up on autopilot and get the kids to school,  then I'd climb back into bed some days,  others I'd sit on the sofa,  for what seemed like seconds,  but the kids would walk in through the door,  home from school...  I'd actually been sat down for hours just staring into space.

I'd look at my kids and see them smiling and laughing wondering how the hell they did it.
Actually some days wished I could be one of them,  even wondered if they would be better of without me.
I wanted to be some where safe,  warm and where I'd be content.

But I couldn't find that place...
Bills piling up,  close to losing my home and still it was all dark.
I searched high and low for answers,  why was this happening?,  why did I feel this way?,  how do I stop this?
No answers ever came...  Soon I noticed sadness in my children's eyes,  worry and confusion in theirs and my boyfriends eyes.

I knew why...  Because of me.....  I went to my doctor and spoke about how I was feeling,  in my head,  my thoughts,  my everyday life.
The doctor told me I was suffering with depression and asked if I'd be willing to try tablets,  I said yes and was given a prescription and told not to expect miricles as it would be a few weeks before I noticed any change..
I started taking them and nothing changed,  so with my children's support and my boyfriend support I went back to the doctor's and explained again,  this time leaving with a prescription for a different antidpressant,  one with a mild sedative in,  again I started taking one each night before bed....
A week or so passed and each night I slept like a baby...  Absolute heaven as the previous months I didn't sleep much if at all.
3 weeks later I was sleeping regularly each night,  some nights I'd get 8hours. Others maybe 2-3,  but it was helping with my moods,  with everything else in general to...
The darkness still their but not everyday,  not constantly their.

I started laughing one day at something the kids were telling me...  And they beamed with smiles,  eyes all lit up..  I asked what was making them smile like they were and they replied " You mum..  Your so beautiful when you laugh "
Now even though I still feel the dark,  somedays have the darkest of days I just remember that day,  their words and how happy they looked and it helps lift me a little.

It hurts that they hurt,  it hurts that they suffer because of me,  because of how I feel and way I am...  But with their love ❤ I will get through this..  I will become the women I'm meant to be but for now I'm a work in progress and slowly but surely I'm becoming the best mum they could ever wish and ask for.