The Darkness

Before I began suffering with depression I never understood it really,  if I'm honest I don't understand it now.
I have heard people talk about it,  how it's lonely and dark but that's about it.

Over the years I've lost a few people close to me,  I've had things happen to me but I've plodded along and got on with my life,  instead of dealing with whatever happend each time.

Then last year BOOM it all hit me all at once after I seen something I didn't want to.
Weeks went by faster than anything,  everything started falling apart,  crumbling in front of me...
I couldn't do anything about it,  I didn't know how to,  didn't no what to do,  each passing day a blur,  getting worse and worse..
I didn't smile,  I didn't laugh,  I forgot what happiness was.
My days were dark,  darker than dark.

Each morning I'd get up on autopilot and get the kids to school,  then I'd climb back into bed some days,  others I'd sit on the sofa,  for what seemed like seconds,  but the kids would walk in through the door,  home from school...  I'd actually been sat down for hours just staring into space.

I'd look at my kids and see them smiling and laughing wondering how the hell they did it.
Actually some days wished I could be one of them,  even wondered if they would be better of without me.
I wanted to be some where safe,  warm and where I'd be content.

But I couldn't find that place...
Bills piling up,  close to losing my home and still it was all dark.
I searched high and low for answers,  why was this happening?,  why did I feel this way?,  how do I stop this?
No answers ever came...  Soon I noticed sadness in my children's eyes,  worry and confusion in theirs and my boyfriends eyes.

I knew why...  Because of me.....  I went to my doctor and spoke about how I was feeling,  in my head,  my thoughts,  my everyday life.
The doctor told me I was suffering with depression and asked if I'd be willing to try tablets,  I said yes and was given a prescription and told not to expect miricles as it would be a few weeks before I noticed any change..
I started taking them and nothing changed,  so with my children's support and my boyfriend support I went back to the doctor's and explained again,  this time leaving with a prescription for a different antidpressant,  one with a mild sedative in,  again I started taking one each night before bed....
A week or so passed and each night I slept like a baby...  Absolute heaven as the previous months I didn't sleep much if at all.
3 weeks later I was sleeping regularly each night,  some nights I'd get 8hours. Others maybe 2-3,  but it was helping with my moods,  with everything else in general to...
The darkness still their but not everyday,  not constantly their.

I started laughing one day at something the kids were telling me...  And they beamed with smiles,  eyes all lit up..  I asked what was making them smile like they were and they replied " You mum..  Your so beautiful when you laugh "
Now even though I still feel the dark,  somedays have the darkest of days I just remember that day,  their words and how happy they looked and it helps lift me a little.

It hurts that they hurt,  it hurts that they suffer because of me,  because of how I feel and way I am...  But with their love ❤ I will get through this..  I will become the women I'm meant to be but for now I'm a work in progress and slowly but surely I'm becoming the best mum they could ever wish and ask for.

Anxiety and me.

Anxiety and me.

So as you can proberly guess from the title I'm a mum of two,  who suffers with anxiety.
So I thought I'd tell you a little about how it effects me,  and how it started.

Up until early 2017 I was OK...  Never experienced anxiety and if I'm honest I didn't really know what it was and how it effects people...
Even though I have a 12 year old who has mild anxiety it doesn't effect him all the time and I still didn't really no about it.

Early 2017 I had a flashback and relived a very painful time from my teens that I'd blocked out after seeing a picture.
That night I had my very first panic attack,  it was actually early hrs in the morning around 2am.
Kids were in bed,  my boyfriend was asleep in bed too,  when I seen this picture...  It sent me back all them years..  I relived the very moment and time id blocked out over the years,  the smell,  the senses everything...
I couldn't stop the feeling,  every single memory I relived.

Then it started..  I couldn't breathe,  I tried to shout out for help..  But I couldn't,  I couldn't move..  I could feel and hear my breathing getting worse and worse,  my head was spinning and I felt so so crowded even tho I was alone.
Again I tried to get up,  to shout for help but nothing came out,  no sound no scream no voice.
I felt like I had so many pairs of hands pressing my chest down,  around my throat but I couldn't stop it,  my heart was beating so fast but yet I just couldn't get a grasp of air..  I actually thought shit...  This is it I'm dying..  My life flashing in front of my eyes.

Eventually I felt the hands disapearing and my breathing getting better..  The fog slowly fading and I was able to cry out for help.
It felt like it had been going on for hours,  but it was actually minutes...
That was the start of it...  I now suffer with anxiety and have done since that very night...
I let it take hold of me good and proper for months but since the beginning of this year I'm slowly learning to deal with it and my depression with the help of tablets,  friends,  boyfriend,  my children and a counciller.

Anxiety isn't an excuse,  it's horrible and can really take over your everyday life,  your thoughts your everything.
I plan on writing more over time about how it's effected the above for myself,  my family and my children. 
And all the things I've tried to do/use to help myself in everyday thing's in the hope it helps even just one person with the struggles you face.

A Little about me

I'm a mum of two from sunny wales,  my eldest is 12 and my youngest is 7.
I've set up this blog as for the past 12months I've had severe depression and anxiety and I want to write about how it effects not just me but the people around me to.

My eldest turns 13 this year,  he also has autism,  dyspraxia,  dyslexia and mild anxiety.
My youngest is 7 going on 18.

I don't claim to know how depression and anxiety effects others,  but I'm hoping that by writing this blog others will understand how it effects people  and also that it will help me on my journey to getting better and being able to cope with every day life situations whilst also learning about myself again,  discovering how to enjoy and have fun again with stressing and worrying like I do.

I want to do so much with my life,  make amazing memories my children can share with their children. 
I want them to be proud to call me mum, 
So this is the beginning of my online journey where I'll share the good,  the bad and the dark and the light times.

Thanks for reading.

X❤x

#Depression #anxiety #onlinejourney #wellbeing.